Funniest One Liner Jokes Clean And Dirty Jokes

One Liner Jokes

One Liner Jokes We’ve had a quick scout around the internet for the best oneliners we could find and these were the ones that made us chortle. God knows we could all do with a laugh.We hope they do the same for you.

All comedy is subjective, so that headline is bollocks.

 

Let’s rephrase it.

 

One Liner Jokes

 

My wife told me: ‘Sex is better on holiday.’ That wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

 

Joe Bor

.

Jesus fed 5,000 people with two fishes and a loaf of bread. That’s not a miracle. That’s tapas.

 

Mark Nelson

I like Jesus but he loves me, so it’s awkward.

Tom Stade

One Liner Jokes
One Liner Jokes

He said ‘I’m going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library. ‘ I thought ‘That’s a turnup for the books.

 

Tommy Cooper

 

British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough, use an ashtray.

 

Jimmy Carr

 

My parents are from Glasgow which means they’re incredibly hard, but I was never smacked as a child. Well, maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep at night.

 

Susan Murray

 

Standing in the park, I was wondering why a Frisbee gets larger the closer it gets. Then it hit me.

One Liner Jokes
One Liner Jokes

Stewart Francis

My name is Fin, which means it’s very hard for me to end emails without sounding pretentious.

 

Fin Taylor

I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting’.

 

Paddy Lennox

 

For my birthday I got myself glasses. So my observational comedy’s really improved.

 

Sara Pascoe

 

I got an oddjob man in. He was useless. Gave him a list of eight things to do and he only did numbers one, three, five and seven.

 

Stephen Grant

 

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.

 

Nick Helm

 

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

 

Tommy Cooper

 

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.

 

 

15.

I had an argument with one of the seven dwarfs. He wasn’t happy.

 

Rebecca Humphries

The early bird gets the worm but the late worm gets to live.

 

Jonny Lennard

If I discovered a new animal I’d call it a Quorn to mess with vegetarians.

Jim Campbell

One Liner Jokes
One Liner Jokes

A lorryload of tortoises crashed into a trainload of terrapins, I thought ‘That’s a turtle disaster’.

 

Tommy Cooper

 

I’ve decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

 

Tim Vine

Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?

 

Dan Antolpolski

You can’t lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, then what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

 

Sara Pascoe

My dad said, always leave them wanting more. Ironically, that’s how he lost his job in disaster relief.

 

Mark Watson

So I rang up British Telecom, I said ‘I want to report a nuisance caller’, he said ‘Not you again’.

 

Tommy Cooper

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together. Riveting!

 

Stewart Francis

The antiageing advert that I would like to see is a baby covered in cream saying, ‘AAAAH, I’ve used too much!!’

 

Andrew Bird

 

I could tell my parents hated me, my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

 

Rodney Dangerfield

 

I have a lot of growing up to do. I realised that the other day inside my fort.

 

– Zach Galifianakis

 

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

 

– Tommy Cooper

 

My dad suggested I register for a donor card. He’s a man after my own heart

 

Masai Graham

One Liner Jokes
One Liner Jokes

I met a painter who only paints using Japanese rice wine, but it was just saké for art’s sake.

 

Phil Mann

 

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?

 

A depresso.

 

 

I used to breed rabbits. Then I realized they can handle it themselves.

My dog is an awesome fashion adviser. Every time I ask him what I look like in my clothes, he says WOW!

Google request:

 

How to disable autocorrect in wife?

Why are eggs not very much into jokes? Because they could crack up.

What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?

 

A slow swimmer.

I went to see the doctor about my shortterm memory problems. The first thing the bastard did was made me pay in advance.

Women usually claim childbirth is the most painful experience of their lives. Until they start stepping on Legos approximately three years later.

Does your horse smoke?

[No.]

Well, then I think your stable is burning.

What are a shark’s two most favorite words?

 

Man overboard!

Waiter, the steak is smelling very strongly of liquor!

 

The waiter backs up 3 steps and asks, How’s that now?

I ran into my ex in town yesterday. Then I ran over him and backed up to run into him again.

 

 

Need cheering up? Start a fight with somebody when they have the hiccoughs!

I don’t think women should be allowed to have kids after 40. 40 kids is way too much by any standard.

What is Jesus’ favorite food?

 

Cheeses.

What is written on a dentist’s grave?

 

He’s filling his last cavity.

Losing a wife can be very tough. Some may even say impossible.

What is sticky and brown?

One Liner Jokes
One Liner Jokes

A stick!

A man drops his phone on a concrete floor. The phone is fine, no damage. How come?

 

He had it on airplane mode.

Two snails are chatting on the sidewalk. I’ll have to cross the road, says one.

 

Well, be careful, says the other one, there’s a bus coming in an hour.

What do you get when you crossbreed a cow and a shark?

 

I don’t know, but I wouldn’t enjoy milking it.

Meanwhile in a parallel universe: Oh for God’s sake! Where are all these extra single socks coming from?!

What is pointless?

 

To tell a bald guy a hairraising story.

What do you call a bull that likes taking a nap?

 

A bulldozer!

Why do bees hum?

 

They don’t remember the text!

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

 

I hate Russian dolls, they’re so full of themselves.

One Liner Jokes
One Liner Jokes

Throwing acid is wrong, in some people’s eyes.

 

The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, “This changes everything”.

 

Say what you want about deaf people…

 

I’ve spent the last four years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer, but no-one will do it.

 

I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home all the signs were there.

 

I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.

 

You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back what you’ve lost is a pigeon.

 

My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy… so I got drunk.

 

Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.

 

As I watched the dog chasing his tail I thought “Dogs are easily amused”, then I realized I was watching the dog chasing his tail.

 

PMS jokes are not funny or appropriate. Period!

 

Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.

 

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

 

Hedgehogs, eh? Why can’t they just share the hedge?

 

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

 

To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet – you can hide, but you can’t run.

 

Velcro – what a rip-off!

 

My friend keeps trying to convince me that he’s a compulsive liar but I don’t believe him.

 

It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.

 

I’ve just written a song about tortillas; actually, it’s more of a rap.

 

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.

 

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises from, then it dawned on me.

One Liner Jokes
One Liner Jokes

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline; she hit the roof.

 

I like to hold hands at the movies… which always seems to startle strangers.

 

My wife told me sex is better on holiday… that wasn’t a very nice postcard to receive.

 

Hilarious One Liners Jokes Funny One Liners

If you liked our selection of funny one liner jokes, check out our the rest of our site for lots more funny jokes with loads more of the best one liner jokes, including these

 

One Liner Jokes Dirty

 

Q: What is the difference between your wife and your job?

A: After five years your job still sucks.

 

Q: What do you call a man who cries while he pleasures himself?

A: A tearjerker.

 

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

A: When they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

One Liner Jokes

Q: Why are Penises the lightest things in the world?

A: Even thoughts can raise them.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

Q: What’s worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?

A: Finding out it was traced.

 

Q: Why didn’t the Toilet Paper cross the road?

A: It got stuck in a crack

 

Q: What do you call an anorexic woman with a yeast infection?

A: A Quarter Pounder with Cheese

 

Q: How did the Burger King get the Dairy Queen pregnant?

A: He forgot to wrap his Whopper!

 

Q: What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

A: Two Test-tickles

 

Q: Do you know what 6.9 is?

A: A good thing screwed up by a period.

 

Q: What do a Rubik’s cube and a penis have in common?

A: The more you play with them, the harder they get!

 

Q: How do you make a pool table laugh?

A: Tickle its balls.

 

Q: What does a perverted frog say?

A: Rubbit

One Liner Jokes
One Liner Jokes

 

Q: What do you call an IT teacher who touches up his students?

A: a PDF File

 

Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?

A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.

 

Q: What’s green and smells like pork?

A: Kermit the frog’s finger

 

Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A: A wet nose.

 

Q: What do you call an Italian hooker?

A: A Pasta-tute

 

Q: Who was the worlds first carpenter?

A: Eve, because she made Adam’s banana stand

 

Q: Whats the difference between a hooker and a mosquito?

A: When you slap a mosquito, it stops sucking.

 

Q: What’s the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

A: They just give you a bra and say “Here, fill this out.”

 

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?

A: Dress her up as an alter boy.

 

Q: What do electric trains and women’s breasts have in common?

A: They were originally intended for children, but it’s the men who play with them the most.

 

Q: Whats long, hard and full of seamen?

A: A submarine

 

Q: Whats the best thing about dating homeless chicks?

A: You can drop them off anywhere.

 

Q: What did the blind man say when he passed the fish market?

A: Good morning ladies.

 

Q: When do you kick a midget in the balls?

A: When he is standing next to your girlfriend saying her hair smells nice

 

Q: What do tofu and a dildo have in common?

A: They are both meat substitutes!

 

Q: What do you call a dictionary on drugs?

A: Addictionary.

One Liner Dirty Jokes
One Liner Dirty Jokes

Q: What is Moby Dick’s dad’s name?

A: Papa Boner

 

Q: How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her?

A: She found another woman’s lipstick on his knuckles

 

Q: How do you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?

A: By the taste

 

 

 

Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?

A: By becoming a ventriloquist!

 

Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?

A: You push it to the side before you start eating.

 

Q: What do you call 2 guys fighting over a promiscuous woman?

A: Tug-of-whore.

 

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

 

Q: What do George Zimmerman, OJ Simpson and Masturbation have in common?

A: Getting off once isn’t enough

 

Q: How is a woman like a road?

A: Both have manholes.

 

Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?

A: Wiped his butt.

One Liner Dirty Jokes
One Liner Dirty Jokes

Q: What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?

A: Her navel.

 

Q: What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?

A: I want you inside me!

 

Q: What’s the speed limit of sex?

A: 68, at 69 you have to turn around.

 

Q: Why do vegetarians give good head?

A: Because they are used to eating nuts!

 

Q: What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A: A guy will actually take time to search for a golf ball.

 

Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

A: Beat it. We’re closed.

 

Q: What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down?

A: Married.

 

Q: Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?

A: Because they won’t stop to ask directions.

 

Q: What’s the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms?

A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.

 

Q: Why does Santa Claus have such a big sack?

A: He only comes once a year.

 

Q: What’s the best part about sex with twenty—eight-year-olds?

A: There are 20 of them!

 

Q: What’s the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?

A: You can unscrew a lightbulb.

 

Q: What does one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

A: If we don’t get some support, people will think we’re nuts.

 

Q: What’s the best part about gardening?

A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.

 

Q: How is a girlfriend like a laxative?

A: They both irritate the crap out of you.

 

Q: What do the Mafia and a vagina have in common?

A: One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

 

Q: What do you call the useless piece of skin on a dick?

A: The man.

 

Q: What’s the difference between your boyfriend and a condom?

A: Condoms have evolved: They’re not so thick and insensitive anymore.

 

Q: What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

A: Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

 

Q: How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

A: As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

 

Q: What did the sanitary napkin say to the fart?

A: You are the wind beneath my wings.

 

Q: Why can’t you hear a psychologist using the bathroom?

A: Because the ‘p’ is silent!

 

Q: What’s better than roses on your piano?

A: Tulips on your organ.

 

Q: What’s the difference between being hungry and being horny?

A: Where you put the cucumber

 

Q: What do you call a virgin on a water bed?

A: A cherry float

 

Q: Why does Dr. Pepper come in a can?

A: Because his wife died

 

Q: What do you call two lesbians in a closet?

A: A liquor cabinet

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