Top Jokes For Adults and Best Sex Jokes

Jokes For Adults

Jokes For Adults We feature a lot of jokes for kids here on Arena Jokes, and we do try to keep our jokes clean and inoffensive (most of the time!). That said, we thought it was time we presented some funny jokes for adults too.

They’re not too rude but they’re definitely adult jokes that aren’t suitable for kids!

We hope you enjoy these funny jokes for adults only.

Jokes For Adults
Jokes For Adults

Jokes For Adults

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

 

A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

 

A mother is in the kitchen one day, preparing  dinner for the family.

 

Her young daughter walks in and asks her, “Mommy, where do babies come from?”

 

The mother thinks for a while before deciding she ought to be honest with her daughter. She says, “Well honey, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and then they have sex.”

Jokes For Adults
Jokes For Adults

The daughter looks confused so the mother says, “That means that Daddy puts his penis in Mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby.”

 

The daughter thinks for a moment and then seems to understand. Then she says, “Oh, I see. But the other night when I came into your room you had Daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

 

The mother replies, “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

 

What’s the difference between the G-spot and a golf ball?

 

A guy will search for a golf ball.

 

Three guys go on a skiing trip together.

 

When they get to the ski lodge there aren’t enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

Jokes For Adults
Jokes For Adults

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right side of the bed wakes up and says, “Wow, I had this mad dream I was getting a hand job.”

 

 

 

The guy on the left side of the bed has also woken up, and says that he’s had the same dream, too.

 

The guy in the middle says, “Wow that’s funny, I dreamed I was skiing.”

 

What’s the difference between your job and a dead hooker?

Jokes For Adults
Jokes For Adults

Your job still sucks.

 

Unexpected sex is a great way to be woken up…

 

If you’re not in prison.

 

This old man and woman had been married for 30 years.

 

In those 30 years, the woman had always insisted on the the lights being off when they had sex as she was embarrassed.

Jokes For Adults
Jokes For Adults

 

The man was thankful for this really as he was embarrassed too and scared that he couldn’t please her, so in the dark he always used a big dildo on her.

 

After all these years of sex, she still had no idea that’s what he did.

 

One day, she decided that they’d been together so long that there was no reason to be embarrassed even though her body was now old. So in the middle of sex she reached over and turned the bedside lamp on, only to see that her husband was using a dildo.

 

She said angrily, “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!”

 

The man replied, “Ok, but first – explain the kids!”

 

What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide, and drives women wild?

 

A $100 bill.

Jokes For Adults
Jokes For Adults

A family is having dinner at the table one evening when the son asks the father, “Dad, how many different kinds of boobs are there?”

 

The father is a little taken aback, but he ponders for a moment before answering, “Well my son, a woman goes through three phases in life. In her 20s, her breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they become like pears – still nice but hanging a bit. But after 50, her breasts become like onions.”

 

The son is confused and asks, “Onions?”

 

The father replies, “Yes – you see them and they make you cry.”

 

The wife and daughter are really annoyed by what their father has said, so the daughter asks, “Mom, how many different kinds of penises are there?”

Jokes For Adults
Jokes For Adults

The mother smiles and says, “Well honey, a man also goes through three phases in life too. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty, strong and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it becomes more like a birch – flexible but reliable. But after 50, it’s like a Christmas tree.”

 

The daughter laughs and asks, “A Christmas tree?”

 

The mother replies, “Yes, dear. Dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration.”

 

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?

 

The man.

 

What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn’t?

 

Her navel.

Jokes For Adults
Jokes For Adults

One day, a little boy and a little girl are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better.

 

After much arguing to and fro, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have.”

 

The little girl is annoyed and upset by this, as what the boy says is obviously true. So she runs home to her Mom, crying.

 

A short time later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She goes to the boy, drops her pants and says, “My Mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

 

How do you make your wife scream during sex?

 

Call her and tell her about it.

 

How do you embarrass an archaeologist?

 

Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

 

What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

 

Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Here is Some Sex Jokes

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug, and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

Jokes For Adults
Jokes For Adults

 

 

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn’t paying attention, so she asks him, “If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?” Johnny says, “None.” The teacher asks, “Why?” Johnny says, “Because the shot scared them all off.” The teacher says, “No, two, but I like how you’re thinking.” Johnny asks the teacher, “If you see three women walking out of an ice cream parlor, one is licking her ice cream, one is sucking her ice cream, and one is biting her ice cream, which one is married?” The teacher says, “The one sucking her ice cream.” Johnny says, “No, the one with the wedding ring, but I like how you’re thinking!”

 

I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She said, “Sex! Sex! Sex! Free sex tonight!” I said, “Wow!” Then her friend said, “She means 666-3629.”

 

A little girl and boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true, and runs home crying. A while later, she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her pants and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

A boy says to a girl, “So, sex at my place?” “Yeah!” “Okay, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother, and he thinks we’re making sandwiches, so we have to have a code. Cheese means faster and tomato means harder, okay?” Later on the girl is yelling, “Cheese cheese, tomato tomato!” The younger brother says, “Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!”

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex. He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn’t please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue. One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo. She said “I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!” He said, “Explain the kids!”

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!” Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?” Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.” Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

Maria went home happy, telling her mother about how she earned $20 by climbing a tree. Her mom responded, “Maria, they just wanted to see your panties!” Maria replied, “See Mom, I was smart, I took them off!”

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?” Sarah waves her hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!” Miss Rogers says, “All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?” Sarah says, “Mas-tur-bate.” Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, Sarah, that’s a mouthful.” Sarah says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

 

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