Christmas Jokes & Funny Christmas Jokes

Christmas Jokes

Christmas Jokes They’re corny and seldom improve with the telling, but Christmas lunch wouldn’t be complete without the chorus of groans that corny cracker jokes always provoke. Here are a few of our favourite all-time classics….

What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney? Claustrophobia!

What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow

Christmas Jokes
Christmas Jokes

Christmas Jokes

 

 

What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus?

Claustrophobic.

 

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?

So he can ho-ho-ho.

 

Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had low elf esteem.

 

What do you call an elf who sings?

A Wrapper!

Christmas Jokes
Christmas Jokes

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.

 

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Ice Crispies.

 

Contributed by: Cath Sumner

A wonderful Christmas song told me to Deck The Halls….so I did. Mr. and Mrs Hall were not very happy.

 

Don’t you hate that awkward moment when Santa Claus has the same wrapping paper as your parents!

 

How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

 

Nothing, it was on the house!

 

What’s red and white and gives presents to good little fish on Christmas?

Sandy Claws.

 

What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper?

Ribbon hood.

 

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

 

What do you get when you combine a Christmas tree with an iPad?

 

A pineapple!

 

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

 

“It’s Christmas, Eve!”

Christmas Jokes
Christmas Jokes

 

Funny Christmas Jokes

 

  1. How did the ornament get addicted to Christmas?

He was hooked on trees his whole life.

 

  1. Why was Santa’s little helper depressed?

Because he had very low elf esteem.

 

  1. What does the Grinch do with a baseball bat?

Hits a gnome and runs.

 

  1. What do you call a broke Santa Claus?

Saint-nickel-less.

 

  1. What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A rebel without a Claus.

 

  1. Why did Frosty ask for a divorce?

His wife was a total flake.

 

  1. Why does Scrooge love reindeer so much?

Because every single buck is dear to him!

 

  1. What do you get when you cross a duck with Santa?

A Christmas quacker.

 

  1. What’s Santa’s favorite snack food?

Crisp Pringles.

 

  1. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?

They’re into all the wrapping.

Funny Christmas Jokes
Funny Christmas Jokes
  1. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?

Nothing. It was on the house!

 

  1. How do you help someone who’s lost their Christmas spirit?

Nurse them back to elf.

 

  1. What do you call an elf wearing ear muffs?

Anything you want. He can’t hear you!

 

  1. What nationality is Santa Claus?

North Polish.

 

 

  1. What do you call a blind reindeer?

I have no eye deer.

 

  1. What do you call an obnoxious reindeer?

Rude-olph.

 

  1. How is Christmas exactly like your job?

You do all the work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

 

  1. What’s every elf’s favorite type of music?

Wrap.

 

  1. What do you call a scary looking reindeer?

A cariboo.

 

  1. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

Frostbite.

Funny Christmas Jokes
Funny Christmas Jokes
  1. What’s the absolute best Christmas present?

A broken drum—you can’t beat it!

 

  1. What do reindeers say before they tell you a joke?

This one’s gonna sleigh you!

 

  1. What do you call Santa’s little helpers?

Subordinate clauses.

 

  1. What did Adam say to his wife on Christmas?

It’s finally Christmas, Eve!

 

  1. What’s the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet?

The Christmas alphabet has No-el.

 

  1. How do you know when Santa’s around?

You can always sense his presents.

 

  1. What do you call an elf that can sing and dance?

Elfis.

 

  1. Where does santa keep all his money?

 

At the local snow bank.

 

  1. Why did the Grinch go to the liquor store?

He was searching for some holiday spirit.

 

  1. Why don’t crabs celebrate Christmas?

Because they’re shell-fish.

 

  1. What’s every parent’s favorite Christmas Carol?

Silent Night.

 

  1. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?

Frosted Flakes or Ice Crispies.

Funny Christmas Jokes
Funny Christmas Jokes
  1. What do you call Santa when he takes a break?

Santa Pause.

 

  1. Why is Santa kind of scared of chimneys?

Because he’s so claus-trophobic.

 

  1. What do elves learn in school?

The elfa-bet.

 

  1. Why couldn’t the skeleton go to the Christmas party?

He had no body to go with.

 

  1. What do you call a cat on the beach on Christmas Day?

Sandyclaws.

 

  1. Why do Christmas trees like the past so much?

Because the present’s beneath them.

 

  1. Why is Santa so good at karate?

Cause he’s got a black belt.

 

  1. What part of the body do you only see around Christmas?

The mistletoe.

Dirty Christmas Jokes

 

 

  1. Why does Santa always come through the chimney?

Because he knows better than to try the back door.

 

  1. Why was the snowman smiling?

He could see the snowblower coming down the street.

 

  1. What do priests and Christmas trees have in common?

Their balls are just ornamental.

 

  1. Why is Santa so damn jolly?

Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

 

  1. What do all the female reindeer do when Santa takes the males out to guide his sleigh?

They go into town and blow more than a few bucks.

 

  1. What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

 

  1. Why doesn’t Santa have kids of his own?

He only comes once a year.

 

  1. Why did the Snowman want a divorce?

Because his wife was a total flake.

 

  1. What’s the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa?

Santa was smart enough to stop at three hos.

 

  1. What’s the most disappointing thing for a man on Christmas morning?

When he gets a sweater, but he’s hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Dirty Christmas Jokes
Dirty Christmas Jokes
  1. Why did the Grinch rob the liquor store?

He was desperate for some holiday spirit.

 

  1. Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?

Cause she married to a guy who comes once a year.

 

  1. Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa.

 

  1. What do three hos get you?

 

One very jolly Santa.

 

  1. How does Santa stay STD free?

He always wraps his package before shoving it down the chimney.

 

  1. Dreaming of a white Christmas?

Jingle my balls, baby.

 

  1. What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

Whatever the hell you want. He can’t hear you.

 

  1. I remember lying in bed as a kid, waiting for Santa to come…

Then there was that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

 

  1. Why does Santa go to strip clubs?

To visit all his ho ho ho’s.

 

  1. Is your name Jingle Bells?

Cause you look ready to go all the way.

Dirty Christmas Jokes
Dirty Christmas Jokes
  1. Wanna see the North Pole?

That’s what Mrs. Claus calls it…

 

  1. Say your left leg is Thanksgiving, and your right leg is Christmas…

Can I visit between the holidays?

 

  1. Why did Santa divorce Mrs. Claus?

He refused to let go of all those irritating ho’s.

 

  1. Boy: Are you Christmas? ‘Cause I wanna merry you!

Girl: Are you Hall? Cause I wanna deck The Hall.

 

  1. How is Christmas just like any other day at the office?

You do a bunch of work and some fat guy in a suit gets all the credit.

 

  1. So my girlfriend wanted a white Christmas…

But when I came on her face that morning, she didn’t even thank me.

 

  1. You know, that’s not a candy cane in my pocket…

I’m just THAT happy to see you.

 

  1. What do a train set and your wife’s boobs have in common?

They were both made for kids but dads can’t help playing with them.

 

  1. How do snowmen make babies?

Snowballs, of course.

 

  1. What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus?

Crisp Cringle.

Dirty Christmas Jokes
Dirty Christmas Jokes
  1. What do you call a girl who cheats on you during the holidays?

A ho ho ho bag.

 

  1. Why does Santa always land on your roof?

Because he likes it on top.

 

  1. What does The Grinch do with a baseball bat?

Hits a gnome and runs.

 

  1. What do you call Santa’s helpers?

Subordinate clauses.

 

  1. Christmas is so stupid…

Whomever invented it should be nailed to a cross.

 

Christmas Jokes For Adults

 

The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.

 

The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.

 

“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”

 

The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.

 

“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.

 

“They’re Carol’s.”

 

These are the best short Christmas jokes from all over the Web.

 

 

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

 

 

Q: What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas? A: Twerky.

 

Q: What did the stamp say to the Christmas card? A: Stick with me and we’ll go places.

 

Q: What do you call an elf who sings? A: A wrapper!

 

Q: Elves use what kind of money? A: Jingle bills!

 

Q: What does Santa say when Mrs. Claus asks for the weather forecast? A: “Rain, dear.”

 

Q: Whats the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? A: The Christmas alphabet has Noel.

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