Birthday Jokes that take the cake. No need to fake it – shake it and bake it – make it a real celebration with funny stuff like this: 21st, 30th, 40th, 50th, 60th, 65th, 80th, and General Birthday Humor. Cheers!
Boyfriend: How come you didn’t get me a present for my birthday?!
Girlfriend: Well, you did tell me to surprise you.
Abby Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday. Soon you will get older and then you can laugh, sneeze, cough and pee at the same time.
From a certain age, birthdays are like a reverse countdown.
Patient: Doctor, I get a strong stinging feeling in my eyes every time I eat a birthday cake.”
Doctor: Next time, blow out the candles.
Thank you for your birthday wishes on Facebook. Who are you by the way?
You know you are getting old when you start getting birthday cards from your orthopedist.
Honey, you really don’t have to do the dishes on your birthday. Do it tomorrow.
Your upcoming birthday reminds me of the words of the old Chinese scholar: Yung No Mo
Thank you, grandpa. The violin you gave me for my last birthday already brought me a lot of money.
Father replies: You – yes. Our car – no.
All the best for your birthday. May you live to be at least 95 and die happy and satisfied in a warm bed, shot by a jealous husband.
Signs you are getting older: You have to scroll down a lot before hitting your age in an online form.
Little Johnny: Mummy, when was I born?
Mummy: 20th of April.
Little Johnny: Wow, what a coincidence. It is the exact date when I have my birthday.
You’ve really made it if you become more than 100 years old. Statistically, there are very few people over 100 that die.
I asked my wife what she’d like for her birthday.
She said that since it’s a round birthday, she’d love something that goes from zero to 200 in 20 seconds.
No problem, I got her a nice weight scale. But really, there’s just no pleasing that woman!
Is it getting warmer here or is it all the candles on your birthday cake?
Really? You play so well?
Not at all. But mom and dad give me money to stop playing.
I wanted to make you a rum cake for your birthday. But now I am drunk and I’ve just eaten the cake.
Many years have passed since the world saw your smile for the first time. Many years.
Today you broke a world record. You’ve never been as old as you are now. Happy Birthday.
I don’t know what is with the youth today. No manners. They turn 16 and go on stupid wild parties while forgetting their mothers’ 30th birthday.
Happy birthday. In dog years, you’re dead.
Honey what do you wish for your birthday?
I want a divorce.
Sorry, I wasn’t intending to spend that much.
Chuck Norris ate his birthday cake before anybody had the chance to tell him that there was a stripper inside.
Jimmy birthday cake! I’m starving!
The problem with getting older is you get dry dreams and wet farts.
Q: What do you give a Tasmanian devil for his birthday?
A: I don’t know, but you’d better hope he likes it!
Father: Happy birthday my boy! And what would you like as a gift?
Son: A dog.
Father: I’m sorry, but you know that’s not possible.
Son: Ok, then I want to be the father for one day and you the son.
Father: Ok, no problem.
Son: Fantastic. Son, get dressed, we’ll go to the animal shelter to look for a nice puppy.
You’re not getting old. You’re getting classy.
It’s my wife’s birthday on Monday. I asked her last month what she would like to get as a present. ‘Oh, I don’t know,’ she told me, ‘anything with diamonds would be lovely.” I bet she’s going to love her brand new set of playing cards!
What’s the best type of present?
Yet another present!
Mark your calendars ladies and gentlemen . . . my birthday is coming!
Dirty Birthday Jokes
When I was young, I always felt like a male trapped in a females body. Then I was born
Chinese kid was born before the due date. Parents named him Sudden Lee.
Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday. I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.” Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”
I like birthdays, but I think too many can kill you.
The older you get, the more you need to keep a fire extinguisher close to the cake.
I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother. It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.
As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said, “You know, one would have been enough.”
It’s easier to remember your age if you don’t change it every year.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!
If you feel a bit lonely, forgotten, or just need someone to cheer you up remember…You can always change your birthday on facebook!
Why are birthday’s good for you? Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest!
Your secrets are safe with me because I literally won’t remember them. This also applies to your birthday. Your birthdays are safe with me.
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
You know youre fifty when your chiropractor sends you birthday cards.
Today is your birthday, so congratulate yourself, especially if you’re still young enough to remember it.
My birth certificate was a letter of apology that my dad got from the condom company…
Birthdays are nature’s way of telling us to eat more cake.
The number one cause of death is too many birthdays.
Happy Birthday! You’re now living proof of the old saying that “Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.”
“Were any famous men born on your birthday?” “No, only little babies.”
Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
I made dinner reservations for my wife’s birthday and told the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card her.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Wait until it’s born.
I asked my mother where I have been born when she told me in a hospital. I responded: “Mom was I ill?”
Gave my co-worker the Heimlich maneuver. Proving once again I’m no good at birthday gifts.
On your birthday, remember: don’t drink and tattoo.
Happy birthday, Bono. I wanted to get you the perfect present, but I still haven’t found what I’m looking for.
Birthday: The anniversary of the day God slapped you on the butt and said, “Okay Kid, go get in the game. Play hard, play fair, and don’t get too many penalty flags.”
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
What did one candle say to the other? “Don’t birthdays burn you up?”
Thanks to Facebook, I never forget the birthdays of people I don’t really know.
You know you’re getting old when you have more candles on your cake than friends at your birthday party.
The best way to remember your 21st birthday, is not at all. Have fun blacking out.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
What goes up and never comes down? Your age!
How can you tell that you’re getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
For all the advances in medicine, there is still no cure for the common birthday.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis and realizing she got really fat.
How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you was?
A birth certificate is an apology from the government that you are now indentured and a social security number that you are no longer a sovereign.
Was invited to a birthday party last evening but didn’t have a Blast. Hardly any Bombs!
I thought it was my birthday cake but it was just the shed on fire.