Best Harry Potter Jokes

Harry Potter Jokes

Harry Potter Jokes Searching for Harry Potter jokes? This collection of funny Harry Potter jokes for kids is safe for all ages.

You’ll find clean jokes about Harry Potter, Hogwarts, Severus Snape, Draco Malfoy, Hagrid, Dumbledore & more.

Harry Potter is one of the most popular series of books ever written. If you have a Harry Potter fan in the house, or in your class, then these jokes are perfect for yhem.

You’ll find jokes about Harry Potter, plus popular and obscure characters from the Harry Potter book series and movies.

Harry Potter Jokes
Harry Potter Jokes

Harry Potter Jokes

 

Q: Where do you find Dumbledore’s Army?

A: Up his Sleevy

 

Q: What do you call a coughing Quidditch commentator?

A: A Weasley!

 

Q: What do you call a Hufflepuff with two brain cells?

A: Gifted

 

Q: Why did Crabbe and Goyle cross the road?

A: They were following Draco, of course!

 

Q: Did you hear about the witch who won the lottery?

A: Yeah, she went completely Knuts!

 

Q: Why did Barty Crouch Jr. quit drinking?

A: Because it was making him Moody

 

Q: What kind of cereal do they serve at Hogwarts?

A: Hufflepuffs

 

Q: What do Harry Potter and Charlie Brown have in common?

A: They’re both in love with the little girl with red hair.

Harry Potter Jokes
Harry Potter Jokes

Q: Why did Death Eaters cross the road?

A: The Dark Lord ordered it

 

Q: Why do Slytherins cross the road twice?

A: Because they are doublecrossers

 

Q: Why did the Hufflepuff charm her hair blonde?

A: To look intelligent.

 

Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road?

A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on

 

Q: How many centaurs does it take to light up a single wand?

A: Two… one to say the spell and the other to keep remarking how bright the wand is tonight

 

Q: How many Death Eaters does it take to stir a cauldron?

A: Just one. He puts his wand in the cauldron and the earth revolves around him

 

Q: How many Slytherins does it take to screw a light bulb

A: 5… 1 to screw the light bulb and 4 to say with their fathers connection at the ministry they could screw it faster

 

Q: How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None – wizards don’t use electricity!

 

Q: Why did Draco cross the road?

A: So he could swing his hips at Potter

 

Q: Why did the Dark Lord cross the road?

A: Because Potter couldn’t stop him

 

Q: Why did Trevor cross the road?

A: To get away from Longbottom

 

Q: Did you hear about the Hufflepuff who gave his Kneazle a bath?

A: He is still trying to get the fur off his tongue You’re so Muggle, you thought the floo network was on channel 54.

 

Q: How many Weasels does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Weasels don’t screw in a lightbulb. They screw in the Burrow.

 

Q: How many Slytherins does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One to blackmail a Hufflepuff

 

Q: How many Hufflepuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: All of them

 

Q: Three girls are all first years: a Hufflepuff, a Ravenclaw, and a Slytherin… which is the sexiest?

A: The Hufflepuff, because she is seventeen.

 

 

Q: Why is Mad-Eye Moody such a bad teacher?

 

A: Because he can’t control his pupils.

 

 

 

Q: How many Slytherins does it take to stir a cauldron?

 

A: Just one. He puts his wand in the cauldron and the world revolves around him.

 

 

 

Q: Why does Voldemort prefer Twitter to Facebook?

 

A: Because he only has followers, not friends.

 

 

 

Q: What’s the difference between a comma and Crookshanks?

 

A: A comma is a pause at the end of a clause, and Crookshanks has claws at the end of his paws.

 

 

 

Q: Where can you find Dumbledore’s Army?

 

A: Up his sleevy.

 

 

 

Q: Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?

 

A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.

 

Chapter Two: Harry Potter and the Pub-Joke Prince

 

A wizard walks into a pub and orders a Forgetfulness Potion. He turns to the witch next to him and says, “So, do I come here often?”

 

Harry Potter Jokes
Harry Potter Jokes

 

The barman says, “We don’t serve time-travelers here.”

 

Hermione walks into a pub with a time-turner.

 

 

 

Professor Quirrell walks into a bar, unwraps his turban, and present’s the Dark Lord’s face to the barman. The Dark Lord orders a beer.

 

“Sorry, can’t serve you,” the barman says. “You’re already out of your head.”

 

 

Harry Potter Jokes
Harry Potter Jokes

A muggle walks into the Hog’s Head inn with a frog on his shoulder. The barkeep says, “That’s pretty cool—where’d you get it?”

 

“London,” the frog croaks, “They’ve got millions of ‘em!”

 

 

 

Two Hungarian Horntails walk into a pub. The first one says, “Sure is hot in here.”

 

The second one snaps back, “Shut your mouth!”

 

 

 

Madam Hooch walks into a pub. The barkeep says, “Hey, we have booze named after you!”

 

Hooch beams, “You have a drink named Rolanda?”

 

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Chapter Three: Harry Potter and the Puns That Were Too Bad to List at the Top of This Page

 

Q: Why does Voldemort love Nagini so much?

 

A: Because she gives him hugs and hisses.

 

 

 

Q: Why does Neville always use two bathroom stalls?

 

A: Because he has a Longbottom.

 

 

 

Q: Why did Lucius Malfoy cross the road twice?

 

A: Because he’s a double-crosser

 

 

 

Q: What do you call two Quidditch players who share a dorm?

 

A: Broom-mates

 

 

 

Q: How do you get a mythical creature into your house?

 

A: Through the Gryffindor

 

 

 

Q: How do the Malfoys enter a building?

 

A: They Slytherin

 

 

Q: What do you call a wizard with his hand in a thestral’s mouth?

 

A: A mechanic

Harry Potter Jokes
Harry Potter Jokes

 

Q: Which side of a centaur has more hair?

 

A: The outside

Q: What do you call a gardener that has a beard?

A: Hairy Potter.

 

Q: Which Hogwarts professor gets blamed for everything?

A: Professor Snape Goat.

 

Q: How many wizards does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: None – wizards don’t use electricity!

 

Q: Why wouldn’t Ron’s car move?

A: It got stuck in a quid-ditch

 

Q: What does Aragog do on his day off?

A: He goes fly fishing.

 

More Jokes Continue Below ↓ ↓

 

 

 

Q: How many wizards does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Two. One to hold the bulb and one to rotate the room.

 

Q: How many Hufflepuffs does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: All of them

 

Q: Why did the Dark Lord cross the road?

A: Because Potter couldn’t stop him

 

Q: Why did Trevor cross the road?

A: To get away from Long Bottom

 

Q: How did Aragog get in touch with other spiders?

A: The world wide WEB

 

Q: Why was Draco’s shirt covered with dirt?

A: He spent the day Slytherin

 

  1. Why did the quidditch player travel on a broom?
  2. He didn’t have a vacuum cleaner

 

Q: Why did Professor Snape stand in the middle of the road?

A: So you won’t know which side he’s on.

Harry Potter Jokes
Harry Potter Jokes

Q: What did Harry Potter say when Hermione didn’t his knock knock joke?

A: There must be some thing RON with you!

 

Q: Why do you call it when a wand goes missing at Hogwarts?

A: A Hogwarts Mystery!

 

Q: Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?

A: Nobody nose.

 

Q: How does Harry Potter get rid of a skin rash?

A: With quit-itch.

 

Q: How do you know if someone at Hogwarts is a pureblood?

A: Don’t worry they’ll let you know.

 

Q: What did the clown say to Harry Potter when he wouldn’t smile?

A: Why so Sirius?

Harry Potter Jokes
Harry Potter Jokes

 

Q: What did Ron Weasley say when Harry found his missing wand?

A: That’s wanderful!

 

Q: Why does Voldemort use Twitter instead of Facebook?

A: Because he only has followers, not friends

 

Q: Why didn’t the professors like having Fred and George Weasley at Hogwarts?

A: They never knew which witch was which.

 

  1. What happened to the sorcerer with an upside-down nose?
  2. Every time he sneezed his hat blew off.

 

Q: What’s the first thing wizards do in the morning?

A: They wake up.

 

Q: What did the Golden Snitch say when Harry Potter was itchy?

A: Quidditching!

 

Q: How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?

A: With Dementos.

 

Q: What do you call a Potterhead on a horse?

A: Harry Trotter.

 

Q: What is Sasquatch’s favorite book?

A: Hairy Potter.

 

Snape: Look out, Lord Voldemort’s coming!

Dumbledore: Are you serious?

Snape: No… I’m Severus.

 

Q: How do Hogwarts students go on field trips?

A: They take the albus

 

Q: What do Hogwarts students do to pass the time?

A: Try to solve their Rubeus cubes.

 

Q: What do Ravenclaw’s wear on their feet?

A: Terry Boots.

 

Q: What’s the best thing to use to catch fish at Hogwarts pond?

A: A Griphook.

 

Q: What did Harry Potter wear when his hair fell out?

A: A Hedwig.

 

Q: What should you do if you have question about jail?

A: Azkaban

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